Thursday, April 26, 2012

One Hot Babe

At thirty-eight, I accept that I am no longer the hot babe of my youth.  Two kids (c-sections) and a seemingly pathological aversion to sweating...who am I kidding here.  I store fat like a camel stores water and I'm fairly certain that spare tire around my middle could double as a flotation device if my plane ever goes down.

My ass is dragging; my boobs are sagging; I have bat wings for triceps; and a whole flock of freakin' crows have come to roost on my face.  But wait, it just keeps gettin' better and better!  Or so I'm told.  They lie, you know.

Our house is now so cold it could double as a meat packing plant.  DH and the children peer at me pitiously from under quilts where they sit wrapped up like human burritos...or maybe they've frozen with their eyes open.  I pour enough sweat to fill a swimming pool...every. damn. day.  You've heard of flash floods...well, I'm experiencing flash heat waves.  And while I dearly love my family and enjoy the company of friends, more often than not I find I could chew off someone's face and not experience an ounce of remorse.  You think I'm lying. 

Before anyone approaches me, I feel compelled to channel my inner Dirty Harry by saying:
You have to ask yourself one I feel lucky?  Well, do ya punk? 

Trust me, you don't want me to make your day. 

Medical personnel are convinced I'm entirely too young for perimenopause, but what do THEY know?  They're MEN!  I've lived in this body longer than most of them have been  witch doctors so I think I have a better clue than the dudes. 

Which begs the question: if it's MENopause, how come men don't go through it?  Personally speaking, I've paid my dues by having the morning-noon-and-night sickness and morphing into a human road map composed of stretch marks.

Don't tell me to check my thyroid...I already did and it's workin' just fine, thanks.

To top it all off (yes, it gets even better!) I'm soon to be the proud owner of a new pair, not boobs although I wouldn't turn 'em down.  Bifocals!  Oh, the rapture!!  I'm told I'm entering a New Exciting Phase Of Life, but frankly I can think of waaay more exciting root canals or foot fungus.

This shit is for the birds.  Or better yet, the men, 'cause they whine anyway.

I briefly entertained the notion of naming this post This Shit Sucks but figured I at least needed to lure you into the post itself before totally offending you. I harbor hope that my faithful followers are made of sterner stuff and will stick with me :)


  1. My husband's Grandma told me "It's all downhill from here". Which seems to be true.

  2. This post totally made me smile. I am not alone!

  3. I keep erasing what I type. I am 47. You would think I would have words of wisdom. I don't. So far, no signs of menopause and I freakin' love my bifocals. As long as I can see, I am happy. Look at the positives of seeing. I had a classmate in 6th grade that wore bifocals. My younger sister has had them for close to 10 years. They mean NOTHING about your age.

    How is the walking going? Take a fan to retreat and an extra quilt for Mama. Relax. Enjoy yourself.

    Btw, my husband swears he has male menopause. I think I believe him!

  4. Thanks for the BELLY laugh! I'm crying here!! LOL!!

  5. I have relatives in Texas you know and my dad was a tom cat when he was young. I thought you might be my long lost younger sister and now I know for sure! LOL! I've been going through perimenopause for about the last ten years too, and it has finally hit my neck and head. I went from no libido to gaining tons of weight and now having hot flashes everytime I eat something or even think of something hot. And I still get a visit from Aunt Mary every month! I begged my doctor for pills but he said I was already taking enough. I have been wearing bifocals for about 12 years too. (My daughter says I look like Sarah Palin with my hair up so that's fun). It's okay honey. All we can do is laugh manically and hope we hope we don't kill our children before they can give us grandchildren to get our revenge with!

  6. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you since I have already been there and done that, but alas, I don't. Oh, and I STILL have hot flashes at night. I can already see myself kicking off my covers when I'm in the Old Quilter's Home. I tried all the usual folk remedies. Black cohosh gave me major dizzy spells, soy pills and soy milk helped minimally. If all else fails, consider finding a woman doctor. She may not be able to help you but she will understand what you are going through. Unless, of course, she is one of "those" women who never had a hot flash or mood swing in her life. Hang in there kiddo! Love ya, Aunt Doris

  7. Laughing My Ass Off! not at you of course, but for the fact that I soooo understand. I'm 38 and I have a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old (I started life late). I think to myself, I can't see, I'm hot, and I'd like to slap someone for just looking at me. Of course those bat wings?! I call them Angel wings, it makes me feel better. :) I hope you have a great weekend. -April@Little Mama Hen.

  8. Menstruation, mental illness, menopause....Ever notice that all our problems start with MEN

  9. Okay, sweetie, they may have checked your thyroid, but if they didn't do the right check, that could still be the issue. If your T4 isn't converting to T3, it really doesn't matter what the numbers say, because you could still be hypothyroid. (Took me decades to find a doctor who knew what *she* was doing!) We don't want that to happen to you!
    (I benefit from and the women to (remove spaces) websites as well.
    Thanks for writing to make us smile or laugh out loud despite the fact that what you're experiencing is seldom comic!

  10. Just found your blog. I heard you on the sweating, it's NOT just hot flashes. It's the reason I HATE summer. I am trying acupuncture right now, so far only relief is on the day I have the treatment. My family gets embarrassed because I literally soak through my skirts and now pants sometimes! If you find any solutions I'd love to know!