Friday, September 23, 2011

What a Concept

It's official:  motherhood bites.

Sure, there're those rare instances when the diaper's full and it's Dad's turn for KP duty, but eventually Lady Luck packs her bags and hightails it south where breezes carry the scent of tropical blooms, not Lysol spray.  Such is life.  I choose to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

So, here's the deal: Co-Def 1, in an unfortunate moment of unfiltered tween one-upsmanship, informed a group of classmates that he'd had sex.  Yep, you read that right.  Thankfully, it's not true, therefore he's still alive and I'm not sporting a jumpsuit of some ghastly shade of neon orange. 

Notified by phone, betwixt the curb-side convo with Co-Def 2's teacher regarding sorely lacking self-control and canine, indoor (on the carpet, of course) Montezuma's revenge, I barely restrained my Oh, shit! and opted instead for my quasi-Japanese AIYAA!

I love going to the Principal's office.  It feels so cozy, know, like home.  And nothing, absolutely noth-ING, beats running into one of those kids' moms on the way inside.  After offering the sincerest of apologies to her, she asked What. Has. He. Been. Watching?

Back up the Blame Bandwagon, DramaMama.  What's he been watching?!?  Well, hmm, let's see, uh National Geographic because we had to cancel the Playboy Channel on account of the bad economy and all.  WHAT'S! HE! BEEN! WATCHING?!?

I've always been honest with my kids about all things body and sex related.  They ask and I'll give an age-appropriate answer.  At age 5, Babies come from God was sufficient.  Yesterday, I wasn't too certain where the little shits came from, but I bet dollars to donuts it's probably got a fairly hot climate. 

I'm also a stickler for proper names or terms.
  • It's penis, not tallywacker.
  • They're testicles, not tenders or nuggets.  Ten bucks says you snicker the next time you're in the Golden Arches drive-thru...and no, anabolic steroids don't shrink them until they disappear--this isn't vanishing deductible from Geico.
  • Hasta la vista, hooha and coochie.  Hola, vagina.
As sex-crazed as American society is, you'd think parents would pull that stick out of their collective posterior and get down to brass tacks.  You think I'm joking about 13 year-olds giving birth or 15 year-olds with chlamydia?  Go ahead, call my bluff.

I firmly believe God created sex specifically for a married couple, couple in this instance meaning one man and one woman, to enjoy together until they drop dead of unbridled exhiliration or old age.  Fine, great.  But, you're not off the hook by simply saying It's sacred and special and we'll talk about it when you're older.  Wake the hell up, already!  You want to believe Sex, what's THAT? go ahead and knock yourself out.  I hope the view up your behind is divine.  But, fair warning here:  Christians get STDs and they can, oopsies, get pregnant, too.

Part of my parenting job is the privilege (no, I'm not joking) of making myself available to answer those questions that make me long for the day when the only thing coming from that kid's mouth was slobber.  At age 12, there's no glossing it over and if it's as special and sacred as God intends it to be, then my answers had better be just as thoughtful and thorough.  I just wonder why Dear Hubby's never around for these teachable moments.

My only regret, is that another parent's privilege to introduce their child to such a sensitive topic was preempted by my child's thoughtless comment.  Not okay.

So, what's he been watching?

RIO, that movie about a blue macaw on the loose in Brazil who, I'd like to point out, was sent there by his owner for the express purpose of procreating.  If you let your kids watch this movie, congratulations, you're a bad parent just like me.  Welcome to the dark side.

Where'd my son learn about sex?

At home.

From his PARENTS.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Mama Cuts Fabric (and cuts and cuts)

Gramma and Papa took the Co-Defendants camping at the lake overnight, so I spent all day Saturday cutting out fabric for Seth's repro-airplane quilt.  It took longer than I thought, mostly because it's hard as heck to cut correctly (and not decapitate a fingertip) while watching a Nora Roberts movie marathon on Lifetime.  But I'm a girl, which means I've got a superpower ability known as multi-tasking. 

I started with this stack, and no, I didn't cut it all up but I came pretty close to it...

By early Sunday morning, it looked like this...

Yes, the fabric's in nice tidy stacks in individually labelled baggies.  That's not anal, it's orderly.  Don't be jealous 'cause that just makes you ugly.

I tried with all my might to get him to consent to a larger block size which would've made this project go so much faster, but oh no, he insisted on everything being the same as when Gramma made the original.  Drat that woman (love you Mom)!  I will be sewing from now until retirement...go on, admit it, you think I'm joking.

That's one block down...55 to go.

(Bangs head on desk) Lennie the Featherweight is now threatening a boycott and I just got flipped off by both my hands.  Wish me luck.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Wild Horses and Armed Men

I finished tacking down the binding on this one last night and am so glad it's done.  It was made with a specific person in mind after they lost a loved one in a traffic accident.  I usually don't know who gets one of my quilts, so knowing exactly who the recipient is makes me uncomfortable.  I'm never sure how it'll be received or if the person will like it for that matter.  That's my shortcoming, though and I accept it, pansy that I am.

Here's the top and a close-up:

I had to piece the backing and it came out a little funky...kind of like the quilter, I suppose, but that's okay.

Friday, September 9, 2011

It's Been Nice Knowin' Ya!

I love the start of a new school year.  As a kid, it meant new boxes of wonderfully fragranced crayons.  The adult Me anxiously awaits the arrival of the Fall season when the leaves drop from the trees and the grass gets a bit brittle.  Kind of what we're experiencing right now in Texas, only with cooler temperatures.  Ah, Fall, I shall miss you for I am going away for a long, long time.  Let me start at the beginning.

This afternoon as I was pulling out of the school parking lot, my cell phone rang, displaying the mom's name of one of my daughter's classmates.  She cheerfully informed me that our two girls had decided over lunch that a playdate was in order and 'Is today good for you?'  Not having a reason to say no and with my daughter practically turning cartwheels in the backseat, I pulled over, hurriedly muttered something about minding her manners and sent them on their way.  As I watched their SUV disappear around the corner, it hit me:


Granted, we'd all been acquainted since last school year, but how well do any of us really know one another?  Although, Play-Date Mom and I seem alot know, normal.  Not at all like that picture perfect, not a hair out of place type Mommy who bakes from scratch and doesn't spank.  Now that I think about it, though, Ted Bundy seemed normal, too.  Hmmm....

Did I pop a Xanax?  I think not!  Two hours later (yay, me!), there I was, standing in her living room, two girls running hither and yon when her daughter stops dead in her tracks and says:


I can picture all this in my head and it's almost as funny as the Baby Ruth candybar/turd in the pool scene from Caddyshack.  Almost.

Co-Defendant #2 smiled cherubically, eyelashes fluttering, cheeks tinged a becoming shade of pink as I hurriedly assured our host family that I was not, in fact, a knife-wielding wacko and got the hell outta Dodge.  I'd like to pause at this point to remind everyone that it was about this same time last year that #2 told her teachers her bad behavior could be blamed on the fact that her Daddy and I were getting ourselves a good old- fashioned dee-vorce. 

"I was just using my 'imagining', Mom".

Most kids make their parents something cool like an astronaut or spy.  Mine makes me a killer?!?!  Hey, Sugarbuns, if you're gonna make Mama bad, at least make her a HOT bad girl...think Pussy Galore of James Bond fame.


Monday, September 5, 2011

Paper-Pieced W.I.P.

I love paper-piecing even though some clods will tell you that it's cheating and shouldn't even be considered quilting.  I say it's the most awesomest invention known to mankind...besides quilt retreats where someone else fixes the grub, cleans up afterwards and you get to go potty by yourself, of course.

This isn't quite done and it seems like I've been working on it forever but at least the top is totally pieced.  (Did you feel the Earth stop turning when I cut into my batiks stash?  Be still my heart!)  

Each individual block measures 3 3/4 inches.

  Any volunteers to pick the paper backing off?  No?  Well, that way!

OHIM Retreat

Mom and I left Friday morning, headed north for a weekend quilt retreat in Milford, Texas.  We took the scenic route through Pantego, Cedar Hill, Midlothian and Waxahachie hitting a quilt shop in each town.  We sat down to lunch at Catfish Plantation in Waxahachie, an old home rumored to be haunted.  I didn't see any ghosts, but the catfish and hushpuppies are to die for!

Their website is

They have plenty of stained glass windows in the Catfish Plantation.  I think the one below would be a great tablerunner pattern for a large-print fabric.

We finally got to Our House in Milford ( at 4 p.m. and got to work.  Check out their website where you can see pictures of our weekend...see 2011 OHIM Labor Day Retreat.  We met new friends and visited with old ones and, as always, I WAS THE YOUNGEST ONE THERE! 

Mom worked on a Double Wedding Ring restoration all weekend and was almost finished by the time we left on Sunday...can you say Patience of Job?

I didn't get as much accomplished as I would've liked (do I ever ?) but I finished up several UFOs, so I can't really complain.  The next picture is of a quilt I pieced roughly 5 years ago, quilted in February and finally bound during the retreat.  Yep, I'm the turtle not the rabbit.  This kit came pre-cut from Building Blocks by Benartex.

This miniature is from Joan Ford of Hummingbird Highway.  The pattern, Autumn Patches, is packaged as a 'Snap Sack'.  It includes a pattern and all the fabric, even the backing.

I got this kit from A Sewing Basket in Salado several years back.  The pattern is Garden Maze.

This skinny tablerunner is from leftovers of the Sweet Memories quilt I quilted on Mom's short-arm back in February.  From a practical standpoint it's utterly useless, but I used up every scrap of leftovers I had, so I guess this project is what quilting is really all about...using what you've got.

This is a nifty block our friend, Marie W., showed us.  It uses 8 charm squares.  Ideally, there should be a lot of contrast between the 4 background blocks and the 4 pinwheel blocks.  She folded the 4 pinwheel blocks in half to make a large triangle and then folded one corner back toward the triangle's center point.  This would make a really cute dimensional quilt for a child.

I'm not sure who was more excited to see me yesterday...the kids or the dog.  My husband wasn't sporting that 'Oh, thank you, Sweet Lord, you're home' look so I'm assuming the children were reasonably well-behaved.  Paige informed me I had to shove her in my suitcase for the next retreat...dream on, Sister!

Happy quilting, ya'll!