Monday, August 15, 2011

The Child's Guide to All Things 'Mom' (The First 12 Years)

Several days ago, the ladies from Rants from Mommyland (, posted comments from kids about what they've learned from their Mom.  Several days later, I'd finally worked up enough courage to ask my kids that very same question and felt fairly certain I'd get answers that were way more profound and would prove for all-time that I am an utterly fabulous Mom.

Seth: 'I can't think of a single thing.'
Paige: 'Nuttin.'

I feel so...validated (sigh).

So, I thought with 12 years of mothering under my belt, I'd share with them (someday, when they might be interested) some of what I've learned being their Mom.

  • I've never, ever fallen off a turnip truck.
  • Although I was born at night, it was not last night.
  • The more vehement the denial, with its accompanying escalation in volume and wide-eyed expression of 'who me?', the more I doubt the plausability of your story.
  • Leaving the house in the dead of summer, garbed in a hooded sweatshirt, may have worked for the Unabomber, but generally means that a child is hiding something, somewhere on their person.
  • I have eyes in the back of my head AND I'm psychic: this is how I know you're behind me making faces and miming all sorts of obnoxious comebacks to the butt-chewing I just dealt you.
  • Your sibling will rat you out just for the sheer pleasure of the act.
  • I am ashamed to admit there are times when I'm unsure if you'll grow up to become a criminal or a lawyer.  This is why I refer to you both as The Co-Defendants.
  • I'll always look under the beanbag chair, the bed and in your closet.  'Clean your room' means the room, the whole room and nothing but the room, so help you God.
  • Any child who, in Mom's absence, says 'Mom says it's okay to ________', is lying like roadkill.
  • A backpack that travels to daycare on any day other than Thursday contains contraband.  Confiscate it and then FRISK the child for good measure.
  • I can tell when you don't flush or wash your hands.  The absence of running water sounds is a big clue.
  • My Gingher shears aren't for opening packages of granola bars.
  • A stealthily closed bedroom door means I'll find a child sitting in the living room, lights blazing at 3 a.m. watching King of the Hill on a school morning.
  • Convincing your sister to take her Nintendo to daycare after yours gets confiscated is a huge 'no-no'.  I will, however, give you points for cleverness and thinking outside the box.
  • Brushing one's teeth requires actual hand movement to manuver the brush around the inside of your pie-hole.  Chewing the toothbrush doesn't count...and use toothpaste while you're at it.
  • Standing under the shower for 20 minutes while staring at your toes and belting out the lyrics to 'I'm in the Lord's Army', doesn't qualify as bathing.
  • Cologne is intended to accent your overall awesomeness, not mask that water buffalo smell you've acquired.
  • If I can smell your cologne/man lotion before you reach whatever room I'm in, you're wearing too much.  You have that man-tramp smell like that jerk from the Carrie Underwood song.
  • I will call your teacher to verify your story, no exceptions.  The sooner you catch on to this undeniable truth, the sooner you can begin to hone your craft as a future con artist.  Or lawyer.  Same thing.
  • Moms enjoy learning things from their kids.  However, if you begin your lesson by saying 'um, uh, hey, hey, hey Mom, guess what, umumum, uh...', you've already lost me.
  • Please do not drop bombs like 'Steroids shrink your junk' while Mom is driving as this may result in a nasty fender-bender.
  • Motherhood bestows on most some ladies a twisted sense of humor. Remember, I'm the one with the naked baby pictures stockpile and I made up your nickname..don't push it.
  • Mommy is not your friend.  You want friends, go next door.
  • Mommy has a name.  No, you may not address her by it.
  • If you can understand the words coming from Mom's mouth, but her lips aren't moving, it's fairly safe to assume she's major-league ticked off and it would be in your best interest to hide out in your room...'til it's time to leave for college perhaps.
  • Calling Dad at work to request takeout for dinner because 'Mom's had a real hard day, Dad', still means Mom will rat you out for your bottom-of-the-barrel test score.
  • Regardless of how mean, low-down and awful you may find Mom to be at any given moment, she still loves you no matter what.

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