Seth: 'I can't think of a single thing.'
I feel so...validated (sigh).
So, I thought with 12 years of mothering under my belt, I'd share with them (someday, when they might be interested) some of what I've learned being their Mom.
- I've never, ever fallen off a turnip truck.
- Although I was born at night, it was not last night.
- The more vehement the denial, with its accompanying escalation in volume and wide-eyed expression of 'who me?', the more I doubt the plausability of your story.
- Leaving the house in the dead of summer, garbed in a hooded sweatshirt, may have worked for the Unabomber, but generally means that a child is hiding something, somewhere on their person.
- I have eyes in the back of my head AND I'm psychic: this is how I know you're behind me making faces and miming all sorts of obnoxious comebacks to the butt-chewing I just dealt you.
- Your sibling will rat you out just for the sheer pleasure of the act.
- I am ashamed to admit there are times when I'm unsure if you'll grow up to become a criminal or a lawyer. This is why I refer to you both as The Co-Defendants.
- I'll always look under the beanbag chair, the bed and in your closet. 'Clean your room' means the room, the whole room and nothing but the room, so help you God.
- Any child who, in Mom's absence, says 'Mom says it's okay to ________', is lying like roadkill.
- A backpack that travels to daycare on any day other than Thursday contains contraband. Confiscate it and then FRISK the child for good measure.
- I can tell when you don't flush or wash your hands. The absence of running water sounds is a big clue.
- My Gingher shears aren't for opening packages of granola bars.
- A stealthily closed bedroom door means I'll find a child sitting in the living room, lights blazing at 3 a.m. watching King of the Hill on a school morning.
- Convincing your sister to take her Nintendo to daycare after yours gets confiscated is a huge 'no-no'. I will, however, give you points for cleverness and thinking outside the box.
- Brushing one's teeth requires actual hand movement to manuver the brush around the inside of your pie-hole. Chewing the toothbrush doesn't count...and use toothpaste while you're at it.
- Standing under the shower for 20 minutes while staring at your toes and belting out the lyrics to 'I'm in the Lord's Army', doesn't qualify as bathing.
- Cologne is intended to accent your overall awesomeness, not mask that water buffalo smell you've acquired.
- If I can smell your cologne/man lotion before you reach whatever room I'm in, you're wearing too much. You have that man-tramp smell like that jerk from the Carrie Underwood song.
- I will call your teacher to verify your story, no exceptions. The sooner you catch on to this undeniable truth, the sooner you can begin to hone your craft as a future con artist. Or lawyer. Same thing.
- Moms enjoy learning things from their kids. However, if you begin your lesson by saying 'um, uh, hey, hey, hey Mom, guess what, umumum, uh...', you've already lost me.
- Please do not drop bombs like 'Steroids shrink your junk' while Mom is driving as this may result in a nasty fender-bender.
- Motherhood bestows on
mostsome ladies a twisted sense of humor. Remember, I'm the one with the naked baby pictures stockpile and I made up your nickname..don't push it.
- Mommy is not your friend. You want friends, go next door.
- Mommy has a name. No, you may not address her by it.
- If you can understand the words coming from Mom's mouth, but her lips aren't moving, it's fairly safe to assume she's major-league ticked off and it would be in your best interest to hide out in your room...'til it's time to leave for college perhaps.
- Calling Dad at work to request takeout for dinner because 'Mom's had a real hard day, Dad', still means Mom will rat you out for your bottom-of-the-barrel test score.
- Regardless of how mean, low-down and awful you may find Mom to be at any given moment, she still loves you no matter what.