Twi-Not

Someone please enlighten me, philistine that I am, and explain the appeal of the Twilight saga.

Himself, whom I consider to be a towering pillar of levelheadedness in an otherwise batshit-crazy universe, loves the Twilight movies.  Not in a teenage-girl sense (that'd just be creepy) but as a connoisseur (his word) of vampire flicks.  Of course, this is the same man who enjoys watching Duel with Dennis Hopper.  Never heard of it?  Don't worry...you haven't missed anything.  

Explain to me the sex appeal of Robert Pattinson, bearing in mind you're speaking to a woman who thinks Brad Pitt and George Clooney are unattractive.  Call me weird, go ahead.  Sure, Pattinson's got the accent, but otherwise he needs a comb and a shave.  I wanna hold him down and give him a good spray tan...day glo orange side effects be damned!  What am I missing here?  And what's this crap about him being 'sparkly'?  The only man who comes to mind at the word 'sparkly' is Liberace.

Then there's Kristen Stewart.  I swear the chick's made of plastic (like Barbie without the boobs) because her expression never changes through the whole thing.  If I ever run into her (and pray that I don't) I'm gonna offer her a stool softener and bottle of water. Who wouldn't sport a crabby expression being all stove up (my grandmother's expression) like that?

And last, there's the toothsome Taylor Lautner.  It's hard to find sex appeal there without crossing over into pervert territory considering my daughter's current favorite movie stars an elementary-age Taylor.  Does The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl ring bells for anyone?  Probably not.  Just be grateful you've missed it.  I, however, have seen it so many times I can recite the lines in my sleep.

Maybe in another twenty years or so it'll all make sense.  After all, as a teenager I never understood my mother's swooning over Tom Selleck in his Magnum P.I. shorts.  Seeing him in Robert B. Parker's 'Jesse Stone' movies, I now totally get it.  YOU WERE RIGHT MA! 

Twenty years?  Yeah, maybe then it'll make sense 'cause right now it just makes me gag.

Vacation Head-scratchers, Bribes and Oh-hell-no-you-didn'ts

It never ceases to amaze me what will come out of the mouth of a child, particularly mine, at the most inappropriate moments imaginable.  Be it burp, snark or something potentially off-color and/or embarrassing, it will be uttered at a volume and pitch guaranteed to send me scurrying under the largest rock I can find.

Then there are the adults; you know, the parents.  The responsible party, the grown-ups, the we-know-better-'cause-we've-been-alive-longer crowd.  Yeah, right.  Here are just a few little nuggets (and a few substantial turds) from our vacation...and a few 'isn't that just the oddest thing ever' head-scratchers thrown in for good measure.  Enjoy!

'SHARK!  Oh, my bad...look, DOLPHINS!'...Seth

'Hey, even Mama would fit in there!'...I'll refrain from mentioning the child by name. 

No matter how far you may roam, there'll always be a reminder of home once you get there.

Gotta love the view from our hotel window...dead people truly make the best neighbors!!

'Heck yes, I'll have another!'...Mom

'Do you eat the shrimp's poop or do they clean 'em out first?  And, hey, hey Mom, do they make pepper from roly-poly bugs?'...Paige (I'll never look at a peppermill quite the same way again...EVER)

'Look, something else with big guns'...Clint (with a wink...you clever fellow, you)

'OH, HELL NO, YOU DID NOT!' 
NEVER. GIVE. A. MAN. THE. CAMERA.

WE HAVE THE BEST FAMILY EVER!!!

WalMart Made My Day

If you're easily offended or have a sense of humor that doesn't accomodate the off-color, please skip this post.  Come to think of it, you're probably better off skipping the whole blog as my sarcasm will be utterly wasted on an unappreciative audience.  Just sayin'.

Ever had one of those days when you're convinced it just doesn't pay to get out of bed?  I was so delighted my workday had come to an end, I practically tackled the tech that took over my department.  I know I've never been a fan of a co-worker saying 'Oh, thank God you're here!', but he seemed to take it all in stride (and probably performed an exorcism after I left just to be on the safe side). 

I considered my day off tomorrow to be the silver lining for the crap that was my workday today...until I got home from the grocery and began unloading my purchases. 

  

Nothing...makes...my...day...quite like discovering that I'm the proud owner of jumbo size balls.  Smile.