Hello Latvia!

Let me confess right up front that I'm in the funkiest mood today this side of ever.  I'm on the other side of needing a Xanax (but haven't taken one so approach me with extreme caution) but on this side of needing a straight jacket.  Let's face it, I don't need to sport a look that makes me look even thicker around the middle than I already am.  Yep, I'm in one of Those Moods.  I'm wiped out from work and the OMG I can't take no more part of me that is a Mommy is letting the Co-Defendants veg out in front of the TV...which leaves me to contemplate those questions in my mind that I occasionally let out for others to enjoy.  This means you get to scratch your head and thank the Lord above that you aren't me.  Or maybe you wish you could be like me, because honestly, I make cuckoo kinda chic.

Here's what's rattling around inside the cranium this afternoon....if you blog, do you ever pay attention to your audience?  I like to see who's looking over my shoulder and possibly laughing hysterically while I and the family (but mostly me) lose our ever-lovin' minds.  Most days, the number of U.S. visitors far exceeds those from any other country which is to be expected since I am an American and we're a nosy friendly bunch.  Not so, today.  Today, the Latvians are all over My Imperfect Life.  Which begs the question...

Am I really that funny, interesting, charming, gorgeous...yes, please feel free to substitute whatever colorful descriptive you feel.  Or are you bored out of your mind and looking for something to knock you out for a quick nap?  I'm not sure I've ever even met a Latvian.  Albanians, Aussies (Lord love 'em and their awesome accents), Brits, Germans and New Yorkers?  Sure, I've met some of them, but never a Latvian.  My loss, I suppose.  So, hello Latvia, hope you guys are having an awesome day!

Well, that's that.  I hope I've given you an incentive to check out your blog's audience (and express gratitude for your own mental stability).  If anything, it gives me an excuse to get out the old atlas and find out where some of these countries are located.  Sorry, geography isn't my thing.

And for one last laugh I give you...

Co-Defendant #1 in a parka.  It was 102 degrees the day I took the picture.  Does this give you any idea how cold it is in my house?!  Hey, if I'm gonna be a little looney, at least I can be cool, too ;)

Happy Thursday, y'all!

TILT!

It happens every evening, regular as clockwork or so the expression goes.  You'd think, by now, I would've learned to adapt and overcome, but I am by nature a slow learner.  Every day the thought will pop into my head in so many hours, we'll all be home together, tucked into our little house, just the four of us and the dog.  Peace at last will reign in my little corner of the universe and all will be well.

So, my shift ends and I commence ticking off chores on my to-do list until time to pick the Co-Defendants up from school.  Right now, Mondays and Wednesdays mean basketball practice after school; Tuesdays mean games.  And so our afternoons consist of some variation of homework-chores-eat-bathe-bed with some fun thrown in to appease the rampaging natives.  But somewhere in there...it happens.  More specifically it happens when Dad walks through the door after a busy day at work.  And so begins, once again, the Co-Defs campaign to drive me out of my friggin' mind.  The louder, faster, grosser, more obnoxious the behavior, the better.  For them, bodily expulsions noises should rate as Olympic sport.  I have not raised them to be this way...it is their father's fault.  I'm just stating this for future reference when they somehow, someway, someday find some poor schmuck to marry them, when aforementioned schmuck stands in front of me wanting to know who's responsible for this ghastly behavior, I can point to my spouse and say 'blame him!' I did my best.  It's almost like they've decided it's three ring circus time and DH is the ring master.  I suppose that makes me a clown, only I don't feel funny..in fact, I feel rather like a Stephen King version of clown. 

Does anyone else want to hide away like I do from all the fuss and furor that is evening time?  Some days, my thoughts will turn to the lowly turtle and I so envy him and his shell where he can tuck his head in and shut the world out!  Of course, should he wind up on his back, he's trapped...dinner for a scavenger or a hockey puck for a passing car.

I'm here now, earplugs firmly in place, enjoying the quiet, or at least trying to because I feel exceptionally guilty for eschewing the raucous sounds of my offspring in favor of that ever-fleeting smidgen of peace I so jealously guard.  No, I'm not having a toilet moment (eeeww!), but I am in the bathroom. 

Do other mothers feel this way or is it just me?

Occasionally, I'll catch a glimpse of our dog, Lulu in what I can only call a contemplative moment on her part.  Her dark soulful eyes gaze into mine and I swear I can hear her say 'You poor bastard, you need a shell'.

Sigh.

Get. A. Shell. Already!

 

Husband Gone Wild

Landscaping and its associated physical labor and sweat are, to be perfectly frank, not things that blow my skirt up.  I'm happy when Hubby takes down the Christmas lights by late January (February if he's really pushing it) and that the grass isn't tall enough in the summertime to hide slithering critters like children or snakes.  We have, thanks to Hubby's hard work and militant anti-weed campaign, what our HGTV-watching junkie daughter calls curb appeal.

Despite the heat, the grass isn't totally dead, just a little...crunchy...and the shrubs, hardy devils that they are, are as green as ever.  True, they've endured some hardship due to various septic tank/AC/neighborhood tom cat issues, but they're doing alright.  So, I was a bit surprised when Hubby said late last week that he'd be having someone come out to remove certain portions of the shrubbery, specifically those on the sides and back of the house.  Oh-kay.

This is what greeted me when I got home yesterday...notice, this isn't the side or back of the house.

Please imagine lush green vegetation while I observe a moment of silence...

This is the landscaping equivalent of a bikini wax gone horribly wrong!

I maintained my calm, yes I did, thank you sweet Jesus!  I knew when I asked, no begged, Him for an arm around my shoulder and a hand over my mouth, He'd know what I really meant was to put me in a choke-hold until my unholy (and illegal) urges passed.  I did not slam the front door, kick the dog or rip Hubby's head from his neck.  I merely clenched my jaw, smiled that smile that quells backtalk and sends the dog to cowering on her beddy-bye and said 'I'm fine' in response to his 'How was your day, dear?' and judging from his deer-in-the-headlights look, scared the begeebers out of him with my frightful display of calm.  This also works well when he wakes me from a sound sleep for things other than fire and blood loss.

NOTE TO SELF:  Never leave offspring and now, the spouse, unattended.  Sigh...