Good Grief!

As a parent, there are things you expect to say: "STOP"..."wash your hands"..."keep your hands to yourself"; and things you never thought you'd say: "DON'T pick your nose"..."Get your hand out of your pants". Never in my wildest imaginings, would I have thought I'd need to say "Mommy and Daddy aren't getting divorced".

Our littlest darling in a fit of inspirational oratory, decided to tell her gym teacher that her bad behavior was a result of.....Mommy's upcoming remarriage and the siblings she was going to be burdened with as a result. Never let it be said that parent-teacher conferences are boring in our household...whohoo! As the kids attend a small, private school this news travelled rather quickly. I guess this counts as my 15 minutes of fame!

For the record, let me just say this: We aren't divorcing. With almost 20 years invested in the whole shebang, it just isn't going to happen. I couldn't get a better deal than I've got.

Unless, of course, he'd finally concede and let me convert the garage into my quilt studio.

Mom-preneur (or How My Kids Laziness Makes Me $$)

There are days, that all I can do is shake my head in exasperation because, let's face it, you just can't breathe with your head stuffed under a pillow.

My kids have chores, not many, but enough to make this Mom feel like she's helping her offspring build "life skills". My oldest can run the vacuum and the microwave; the youngest dusts while barking orders like a drill instructor. They pack their own lunches, throw kibble at the dog and, ahem, clean their own rooms. I haven't taken the plunge and shown them the washing machine and dryer. Yet. Mainly because I like my whites white.

Judging by the whines, moans and other gagging noises of general displeasure, I gather that all this doesn't fall under the heading of "Favorite Pastimes". Which brings me to my next life skills moment.

Money.

No work=no money. Our home is not a welfare state. If you don't want to do certain jobs, you gotta pay someone else to do them. For my kids, that someone else is me and I'm anything but cheap. Yesterday, I made $6 and 2 lunches. Not bad for 5 minutes of my time. When my daughter whined about cleaning her room, my son yelled "JUST DO IT, OTHERWISE IT'S GONNA COST YA TEN BUCKS!"

The kids know rule-breaking is also tied to earning the dough. You break the rules, you get punished. Lie, cheat, steal, smack your sib or back-talk and you're done. None of that "3 strikes and you're out" crap.

I've been told from time to time (by one who shall remain nameless) that I'm too hard on them. Yes, I'm tough but only time will tell if my efforts were for good or ill. I guess I'll know if I wake up one night with one of them standing over me wielding a bat and an evil grin. Lucky for me, my husband sleeps closest to the door. I think I'll take my chances.

WHOHOO!

I am so excited! I have finally arrived 'cause I have two followers!! Hello Quilting Corner Ladies, so glad you're here!

This is the mini I finished last night...actually, it was this morning about 3am. I like staying up late because during the week I'm up by 4am and at work by 5am. Plus, I get to watch what I want (usually) but my sweet spouse has been staying up with me lately and his TV viewing is not my taste. I had to drink 2 cups of coffee just to outlast him and by the time he went to bed there was nothing worth watching. BOOO!

Well, there's another something calling me from my sewing machine, so until next time...

Keep yourselves in stitches!

Peaceful Piecing

Apparently, the peaceful pursuit of quilting is no longer just mine, a fact recently revealed to me when the kids crashed my party of one and insisted they had to learn, too. This was in response to repeated (i.e. unanswered) pleas that I allow them to push the pedal while I guided the fabric. I don't know that I trust my digits to Seth's lead foot, to say nothing of Paige's. These people scare me...I shudder at the prospect of them driving an actual motor vehicle. EEEEK!

Instead I suggested, in a thoroughly misguided attempt to turn them off to the notion, that they just learn to sew. I should've known they'd call my bluff. Yep, they look utterly appalled don't you think?

Granola Girls

You'd think as a Mom to two of my own fairly nasty little urchins I could claim to have seen it all. After what I recently witnessed I can now proclaim "NOT!"

One evening I found myself (alone) at the local Barnes and Noble cafe sipping something warm, caffeinated and high in calories while perusing my newest purchase when in walked a gaggle of what I can only describe as "Earth Mothers". Surely you've seen at least one as they aren't an endangered species....long flowy skirts, Birkenstocks, organic cotton wafting in the breeze...you get the idea. A group of five, they plopped down two tables over and proceeded to wax rhapsodic about everything "kid" from pesticide-free veggies to vaccinations. One of these fine ladies was toting a tot in one of those slings that reminds me of a marsupial (I always wondered how the kid never fell out, but I'm too shallow to ask). After a bit, she retrieves said child, flops him onto her lap and proceeds to........CHANGE HIS DIAPER!!

AT THE TABLE!

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CAFE!!

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING!!!

There was nary a pause in the conversation, no sign that any of these women thought this was absolutely disgusting, not a single "OMG, are you serious?" By now, my solo evening is beginning to lose it's luster and I'm thinking surely one of these chicks is going to say something.

Thank goodness I didn't hold my breath. Earth Mom proceeded to finish diapering her boy (yep, full frontal shot thanks very much) which seemed to take forever as she wiped and wiped and wiped....why yes, a fully-loaded diaper....WHOHOO! She finally rolled the whole thing into a tidy little bundle and...wait for it, wait for it...plopped it on top of the table! Table conversation never faltered.

I was utterly aghast! Granted, everyone poops and babies certainly don't have a care as to when or where, however I don't need to be privy to anyone's (ahem) excretory adventures. I'd like to think I'm reasonably progressive, but next time take your kid to the can!

And make damn sure you wipe down your own table before you snack because one man's table is another's changing station!

SNARK!

I like sarcasm. When used effectively you can make your point without resorting to cursing or raising your voice. I think of it as the ultimate foreign language (and lots easier to learn than say, Spanish!)

I also like sharing: ideas, beliefs, opinions. Which probably explains my love of Facebook and blogging. Where else can you get quilting tips, see the latest photo of someone's kid or find out how so-and-so's date went Saturday night? I suppose it's because God made me female and supposedly we never run out of fodder for all our verbal vomit. Whatever!

Mind you, all that sharing isn't everyone's cup of tea when you factor in the Boogieman and national security. Fair enough. The thing that chaps my hide is the not so subtle vibe some people give off that says if what I believe doesn't mesh with what they believe then one of us is wrong, namely me.

Uuuuummmm....NO!

The stuff I talk about is everyday Mommy drivel, not ethical dilemma type stuff. It's in the trenches parenting and life crap that you either laugh about or take a pill over. Oh, wait, I laugh AND take a pill. Whooopsies!!

I'm all for engaging in what the media like to term "meaningful dialogue", but if your verbal fencing is going to be reduced to verbal backhanding or profanity, kindly count me out.