I Can Be Trained

Don't tell Himself.

This is the post where an old dog attempted to learn a new trick.  It worked; I'm happy.

Here's a mega-batch of felt roll-ups I made yesterday...my hands are killing me.  I'll make them into a garland for my sewing corner.  The smaller roll-ups I'll use in place of beads.  Aren't I clever?  Frankly, I think the big ones look like the psychedelic swirls I used to see in old Looney Toons cartoons.  Maybe I just need a glass of red...

It's Monday...big whoop.

Felt's Up

No, not that kind of felt up.  I mean felt like the fabric.  Dirty birds!

Look what Wonder Mom and I learned to make at Hip Stitch Studio yesterday as part of their Small Business Saturday makeshop!  Not sure where the idea came from, but thanks to whomever thought it up.

They're meant to resemble a string of peppermint candy, but you could make them any color to match the season or holiday.

Here's how we did it...

You need felt (duh), a harpoon-sized needle and either twine (what we used at the shop) or perle cotton (what I used at home).  Beads are optional.

For the class, the felt was cut in 1/2 inch by 9 inch strips.  You can adjust the measurements to suit your project.  Start by layering the desired number of strips one on top of the other.  For class, we used three but I personally liked using just two strips.  When you start trying to shove the harpoon needle through, you'll understand why.  A word to the wise:  do not apply lotion to your hands prior to doing this.  Yep, I'm raising my hand here.

Then you start the 'candy' by rolling the the strips into a tight coil.

When you're done, it'll look something like this...

...just cut the uneven strips at the end so that they're even with the top strip.

Shove a pin down the center through all the layers to hold the coil in place OR start stringing them right away like I did below (needle-nose pliers work well for this..cursing helps too).


Pinning a gob of them means you'll have something to do while sitting through yet another episode of 'Duck Dynasty'.  Ask me how I know.  Here's my stash...

Then you can string to your heart's content.  I had enough strings to turn my dining room chandelier festive.  I briefly contemplated making enough to trim the tree, but popped a Xanax and I'm all better now.

Have fun getting your felt on!

Doing My Civic Duty

It's Small Business Saturday!  Why not support your local quilt shop by dropping a chunk of change at their establishment and carting home some fabric loveliness to boot?  I'm dragging taking The Co-Defendants kicking and screaming with me to Hip Stitich Studio in Waco to show Miss J how much I love her shop and support her efforts to bring some modern funk to our local quilting scene.

Have fun and buy local!!

And They Wonder Why I Drink

You know, I've always accepted this parenting business ain't for wimps and the older my kids get the more I realize that the job of parenting is like a roller coaster.  One minute, it's exhilirating and my ass has left the seat with the force of all those gs; the next, I just wanna launch my lunch.  No wonder I've always hated the damn things.

What the hell is the world coming to?  I accept not everyone lives the way we do.  I get it.  Not everyone lives in a straight, mommy and daddy living in the same house as man and wife, WASP environment.  Fair enough.  As the kids have gotten older, I've had to explain divorce and the single parent household; the same sex parent household; and the racially diverse household.  It's all good; I'm an adult and I can handle it.  I've explained the standard 'these are your parts and no one touches 'em ever' rigamarole.  But someone please explain to me the precociousness of today's children.  It's ridiculous that some parents treat kids as mini-adults. 

NEWS FLASH: they aren't mini-adults.  That's why we call them CHILDREN!

For several years, I've had an eye on a friend of my son's.  It's unkind, but the child has future hootchie written all over her to the point I've cornered the mother and told her to have a talk with her child about boundaries and keeping her hands to herself.  It's no surprise, considering the environment she lives in, however, no amount of me saying (politely, mind you) 'knock it off' seems to work.  I feel shitty for feeling the way I do and yes, I genuinely feel badly for this child.  She gets shuttled to our house when mommy's boyfriend du jour is on the premises or to her grandparents' for weeks on end.  If this child's clothes got any tighter, they'd qualify as skin and she's constantly all over my son.  It's to the point I feel like a warden watching over the inmates when she's over to play.  What kind of 10 year old child (no, I'm not joking) acts like a hustling twentysomething?!  Today, she flatout asked if she could spent the night as my son's guest. 

Pardon me whilst I scrape my jaw off the pavement.


W-T-F?!

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!?  Let me think about it a minute...um, HELL NO!

Am I missing something here?  Would you let your kid have an opposite sex friend spend the night?  When I blindsided Himself with the whole conversation, he had the same reaction to the sleepover question, but still feels it's perfectly okay that they continuing playing together.  I say the difference between 10 and 13 is huge and that's the end of that.  On the other hand, maybe if she's away from home more she'll start acting like a normal 10 year old.  What do you think?  Am I wrong?

Where's the wine?

Mini Finish

The Diva, through the insanity generosity of Gramma and Papa, will be getting an American Girl doll this Christmas.  This, for a child who firmly believes she's a boy...go figure!  Anyhoo, Wonder Mom (that'd be Gramma) is making clothes for the doll in question and I decided the doll needed a quilt.  Naturally.

I finished the flimsy a few minutes ago.  Hey, I'm having to pace myself since The Diva and I went out, against my better judgment, to Black Friday at Joann's.  Here's my finish...

I made it from scraps from the Christmas wreath I made.  It's wonky and imperfect and I love it. 

I'm linking up with the fine folks at Confessions of a Fabric Addict, Richard Quilts and Sewing by Moonlight for TGIFF.

Happy quilting, y'all!

Thanksgiving Blessings

I hope you're stuffed full of turkey, pumpkin pie and lots of love today. 

Do you have room left over for some prayers and have you counted your blessings?

I'm lifting up some folks today who need some good news...

J's mom, who has brain cancer
L's husband, who has throat cancer
A's husband, who lost his job

As for blessings, The Co-Defendants will try and say 'Nintendo DS', but y'all know what I mean.  So, here's my short list...

God.  I'm grateful he doesn't shoot lightning bolts from heaven like I thought He did when I was a kid.

The Co-Defendants...even when they don't get along (that's all the time) and roll their eyes (that's all the time, too) and when they grant me hugs and kisses (under threat of severe embarrassment)

Himself...I'm a lucky devil (so's he)

And Lulu (even though I don't like dogs, you're my favorite child...just quit pooping in my laundry room.  On second thought, if you gotta go, linoleum is THE place to do it..thanks for being so considerate)

Blogging buddies!  Those sweet folks who remind me I'm never too young to get checked for cancer (thanks, Mary!); that God's got it covered so quit worrying (thanks, Etty!) and that I'm not a total loss in the mommy department (everybody)!

And before anyone goes and gets all offended, yes, I'm grateful for extended family (sorry no pictures...they're all too scary...just kidding) and my job (again no picture, but no one needs to see my boss, do they?)

Count your blessings, squeeze your loved ones (at least until they shut up or go to sleep...just make sure they're still breathing) and eat more pie!

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

Wreath Wrappin'

I made this wreath last night as a gift exchange for the quilting bee I belong to, The Happy Stitchers.  Our party's December 13th and I'm fairly impressed I didn't wait 'til the last minute to get it done.

The pattern, 'No-Sew Wreath', is from the Winter 2012 issue of Quilts and More magazine.  For no sew, it was still quite a bit of work.  I cut 1"x 8" strips 'til I thought the world looked level and then wrapped each of the four wire forms with the strips.  I'm now convinced I have arthritis or carpal tunnel or both. 

It feels like it's missing something but I'm afraid if I keep adding frippery and bling it'll look like it belongs in a bordello instead of on a respectable suburban front door.  Any suggestions?

Next time, if there is a next time, I'll use a smaller wire form.  And instead of scrappy, a color scheme of 2-3 colors would be better IMHO.  I hope my buddy likes it.

Twi-Not

Someone please enlighten me, philistine that I am, and explain the appeal of the Twilight saga.

Himself, whom I consider to be a towering pillar of levelheadedness in an otherwise batshit-crazy universe, loves the Twilight movies.  Not in a teenage-girl sense (that'd just be creepy) but as a connoisseur (his word) of vampire flicks.  Of course, this is the same man who enjoys watching Duel with Dennis Hopper.  Never heard of it?  Don't worry...you haven't missed anything.  

Explain to me the sex appeal of Robert Pattinson, bearing in mind you're speaking to a woman who thinks Brad Pitt and George Clooney are unattractive.  Call me weird, go ahead.  Sure, Pattinson's got the accent, but otherwise he needs a comb and a shave.  I wanna hold him down and give him a good spray tan...day glo orange side effects be damned!  What am I missing here?  And what's this crap about him being 'sparkly'?  The only man who comes to mind at the word 'sparkly' is Liberace.

Then there's Kristen Stewart.  I swear the chick's made of plastic (like Barbie without the boobs) because her expression never changes through the whole thing.  If I ever run into her (and pray that I don't) I'm gonna offer her a stool softener and bottle of water. Who wouldn't sport a crabby expression being all stove up (my grandmother's expression) like that?

And last, there's the toothsome Taylor Lautner.  It's hard to find sex appeal there without crossing over into pervert territory considering my daughter's current favorite movie stars an elementary-age Taylor.  Does The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl ring bells for anyone?  Probably not.  Just be grateful you've missed it.  I, however, have seen it so many times I can recite the lines in my sleep.

Maybe in another twenty years or so it'll all make sense.  After all, as a teenager I never understood my mother's swooning over Tom Selleck in his Magnum P.I. shorts.  Seeing him in Robert B. Parker's 'Jesse Stone' movies, I now totally get it.  YOU WERE RIGHT MA! 

Twenty years?  Yeah, maybe then it'll make sense 'cause right now it just makes me gag.

I'm With Stupid..Oh Wait I AM Stupid

Let me just throw this one out there for your amusement...

I am not the brightest crayon in the box, the sharpest tool in the shed, the brightest bulb in the fixture.

There, I've said it.

I was so excited at the prospect of participating in Saturday Morning Sew In, that I neglected to pay closer attention to the exact DATE of said event.  Please refer back to the second line of this post before I go any further.  I'll wait while you catch your breath from all that snickering.

Sigh...so, this now makes TWO online get-togethers I've utterly flunked: Friday Night Sew In (where I fell asleep) and Saturday Morning Sew In (on the wrong date).  Well, at least the Creator ensures there's plenty of fodder for the old blog, right...and they say He has no sense of humor!

Anyway, in my exuberance to participate, I managed to get this finished and I'm not backing down now!  Let 'em kick me out for being a ninny, but at least I'm no slacker!

Turbo-sewing the binding down

The whole premise is to sew in the morning, eschewing activities more responsible folks would take care of first like laundry or loading the dishwasher.  Sissies!  I say quilt now, wash later and that's exactly what happened.  Last weekend.  What a moron!



Anyway, my quilt 'Pretty Maids Row by Row' is all done and I love it.  The strips came from one of those Moda scrap bags.  Please don't ask which fabric line because I have no freakin' clue.  I can't even get the date right...you expect me to remember the name of the line, too?!  I wouldn't take those odds to Vegas, baby.  I did an allover quilting motif of flowers of various sizes.  I am quite proud.  And bright, too as it turns out.

Happy quilting, y'all!

Springing into Fall

The house may be decorated in all the luscious, vibrant colors of Fall but my quilt for Friday's finish seems to be heading in the wrong direction!

Doesn't this look Spring-y?

Wonder Mom purchased this prequilted fabric waaaay back...it was a huge chunk so I cut it into two equal sizes.  They'll make nice baby quilts or lap throws.  I *think* the designer is April Meadows for Moda but you know how my memory is, right?

Here's the other side...I looove me some yellow!

I've decided two things about prequilted fabric.  One, I hate it...the thread they used was awful and ravelly and I swear it was plastic.  Blech!  Two, trying to tack down the binding was like trying to drive the needle through concrete.  What a pain in the butt!  Is that why I only see duffle bags made out of this stuff?! 

I got totally spoiled last week being off work and getting all that sewing done so this week has been something of a letdown...NOT that I'm complaining about having a job, mind you!  Where's that sugar-daddy when I need him?  Oh, that's right, Himself said that's what he is.  Snort!

Soooo....what're you working on?  Did you finish something this week?  Didja, huh, huh!?!?  Sorry, Mama's had a little too much caffeine this morning...

I'm linking up to
Confessions of a Fabric Addict
Richard Quilts
Crazy Mom
TGIFF

Happy quilting, y'all!

Santa's On My List

It's that time of year again when the 'Is Santa real?' question rears its ugly head and has me dodging questions faster than a politician caught with his pants down.

Captain Studly turned to the dark side several years back, somewhat dishearteningly confessing that he'd given up on the illusion of Santa Claus (but can I still get presents?).  Sure, I wanted him to stay all starry-eyed for as long as possible but by the time he start sprouting facial hair, I'd had to say the jig was up.

The Diva?  Well, THAT one is still clinging, but only by a hangnail or two.  With that one, it's the same routine every...Christmas...season.  Couldn't she at least wait until AFTER Thanksgiving?  The whole conversation is like an endless loop, almost like listening to an elder list all their maladies one after the other ad nauseum.  It gets so you even recognize the pauses and what's coming next.  We humans are nothing if not predictable.

Part of me, when asked if I believe Santa is real, wants to shout:

Do YOU believe the man (or any man, let's be honest) could circumnavigate the globe without Mrs. Claus by his side to read the map-(and forget GPS!  GPS my fat fanny-even your Gramma's GPS can't find out of the way quilt shops-what makes you think it can find every house, hut and hovel on planet Earth); jiggle and shimmy his gelatinous self up and down sooty chimneys without soiling or wrinkling his suit (I don't care if he is laying a finger aside of his nose); and still make it home without being spotted by an eagle-eyed tot...never mind the damn reindeer?!?!  I'm still not convinced it's not Mrs. Claus doing all the flying whilst dear old Santa stays at home to bake cookies with the elves.  Is he real?  I'd say there's a better chance of me waking up tomorrow a size four and discovering your Dad's suddenly morphed into Matthew McConaughey (hey, hey all right).

But I don't.  That'd just be pure mean!  Sure, I'm a schmitty mommy who firmly believes June Cleaver was lying through her damn teeth all those years, but I'm not a complete bitch.  Notice the use of the word 'complete'.  Give it time.

She looked at me kinda funny when I asked if she wanted her picture taken with Santa this year.  Kind of the same look I'd get if I scooped dog doo onto a plate and served it up as dinner.

'Muh-thurrrrr!  EVERYONE KNOWS the MALL Santa isn't REAL!'

'You mean, he's like a representative FOR Santa' I replied.

'EXACTLY!  But the reindeer are real.'

Sigh...

Face Palm: It's A PSA

Some things need no explanation:

Why do women love chocolate?  'Cause it's loaded with FAT, making it all nice and creamy and even though I know it's bad and will do awful, dimply things to my thighs I eat it anyway!  It keeps me from doing stuff that's illegal...like committing murder.  Duh.

Some things defy explanation:

Why does Nathan Lane, who's obviously a man, sound like a woman?  (This question courtesy of Captain Studly)  I replied 'Cause he's talented!'

Some things, however, require lots of explanation...and pictures.  With that in mind, I give you:

A PSA: How to adjust adjustable-waist pants
(you can thank me later)

Now, before you go gettin' all scared, these are just pants y'all..not Roseanne Barr in a thong.  You'd be surprised what'll set some folks off.

When you fold down the waistband, you can see the white tabs and button that comprise the adjustable waist mechanism.  You may call these whatever you like: doomaflatchies, thingamabobs, doodads, dingfawds.  But if you really want to sound uptown, you say 'adjustable waist mechanism'. 

In order to make this work, you have to pass the button through the precut slit in the elastic to release the button.  Can you unbutton Tom Selleck's shirt?  Faster than you can say 'Jack Sprat!'  Oh, wait, I meant can you unbutton YOUR shirt?  This isn't brain surgery...and yes, I can do it.  Refer to the next photo...

See, easy-peasy.  And look y'all, I didn't even break a nail.

Now, here's where it gets a little tricky and I guess a little elastic bio is needed.  Ooo-kay.  See, elastic
s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s when you pull it.  Like taffy, only without the sugar and sticky.  So, even if one end of the waist adjustment doomaflatchy, I mean adjustable waist mechanism, is sewn down, by the magic of science you can still pull said elastic to practically the moon and back without breaking a sweat.  Pulling the elastic on each side will, voila, help to tighten (or in my case, loosen) your pants.  Genius!!

Do you need a rest?  I know, I know this is some tough shit stuff.

Okay, once you've got the elastic pulled to a level of comfort you can handle (and here's where you should know, if you're turning blue, it's too damn tight), push the button back through the precut slit thereby ensuring that your hard work won't be for naught.  Repeat with the other side. 

Presto!  Now your britches won't hit the deck 'round your cankles.  Feel free to worship me at your leisure.

Sigh...some days it just doesn't pay to chew through the restraints.

Quilting Gallery's Sandy Quilt Block Drive

.

If you can quilt, you can help!  Michele at Quilting Gallery is putting together an opportunity to help folks on the East Coast by mobilizing quilters to make blocks, assemble quilt tops, quilt and bind them. 

She's in need of Team Leaders to mobilize block makers and get quilt assembled and mailed.  Check out her website by clicking the button on the right side of my blog.

Thanks for helping!

 

Friday Finish Too

I'm getting a bit desperate in my quilting as my vacation slowly winds its way down...nothing like seven straight days off to get stuff accomplished!

Here's what I finished up late yesterday afternoon...

I used the panel as a practice for free motion quilting on Wonder Mom's longarm machine.  I'm still toying with whether to make this a blog giveaway or keep it for my greedy little self.  It's a tad too small for a lap quilt, but would be perfect for a wallhanging.  Decisions, decisions...

Happy quilting, y'all!

Friday Finish 11/9/12

My week off is winding down (boo!), but I'm happy to say I've gotten quite a bit done.  Along with making our Christmas cards (yay!) and trying out some free-motion quilting on a home sewing machine (boo, again!), I got binding on one baby quilt and am in the process of finishing up another.

Here, modelled by a canine uber-babe, is what's done...


Lulu says 'I make this quilt look good!'

 Himself is headed to his second doctor's visit in as many days to see about his bum foot.  UPDATE: It's broken and he's now in one of those nifty black boots that come up to the knee.  He's already whining.  I'm already contemplating a felony.  Apparently, our clan just isn't very fond of our feet.  The Diva wrecked hers yesterday on the trampoline and is now milking it for all it's worth.  Yep, we hate feet!

Wonder Mom and I skipped town on Wednesday and headed to Quiltin Country in Killeen.  Pictures to come...can you say 'sale'?  So, I blame her for me not getting anything quilting done that day...never mind the fact that the whole trip was my idea.  Smile.

Himself kind of got his way as I spent a little (and I do mean little) bit of time cleaning out the storage building like he'd had planned for me.  He said it made him feel guilty me being out there all by myself doing all that work since he's been laid up.  Good, I can use that to my advantage!  And today, I'm transporting a car of rowdy third graders to a Baylor basketball game.  Have I mentioned my dislike for all sports except hockey?  Ugh!

But, I'll endeavor to persevere.  I can hear Wonder Mom whispering something about stars in my crown in heaven but, how I ask you, is it possible to sew while wearing a tiara?

I'm linking up to Sarah at Confessions of a Fabric Addict, Crazy Mom Quilts and Richard Quilts.

Happy Friday y'all!

WIP Wednesday 11/7/12

Here's what's on my sewing table for day three of my vacation.   

I got the binding sewn onto this cute panel and just need to handstitch it down on the back.

The binding's cut out for the next completed top...it's navy, not purple.  Gotta love cameras and lighting and all that.

And while this isn't a WIP, it will be soon.  What's that make it...a WIP-in-waiting?  It's a Christmas present for.....who?  The pattern is from Quilts and More magazine.

This week I have several helpers to keep me company and soldiering on as I make my way through almost-done and half-assed done projects.  In no particular order, they are...

Coffee, and lots of it.  And if I find out who put decaf in my cup this morning, I'm gonna kill 'em.  Oh, wait...that was me.  Ahem...

My faithful, furry companion, (no, not Himself), Lulu FooFoo

And last, but certainly not least...

...because everyone knows grapes have antioxidants which are really good for you.  Heehee.  Ahem...

So...what're you working on this week?  I'm linking to WIP Wednesday at Freshly Pieced to find out!

Happy quilting, y'all!

VOTE NOW!

IT'S UN-AMERICAN NOT TO VOTE! 

IF YOU HAVEN'T VOTED YET, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

GO VOTE!!

Make a List Monday 11/5/2012

Ahhhh, Monday, I can't ever recall looking forward to you until now.  My house is clean, the laundry's done, no one's sick (and won't be, thank you very much)...and I'm off the rest of the week!  WHOHOO!!

So, a recap of last week's Make a List...

* Don't fall  DONE!  No falling, slipping or sliding of any kind since the tub debacle!
* Quilt, bind and label the Albatross quilt DONE! And it's already in Captain Studly's possession.

This is only the second quilt I've EVER labelled

One big-assed label..like J Lo's butt

* Finish the 10 year cross stitch WIP  DONE! And already hanging up.

So, what's on the agenda for this week..?

* Make Christmas cards.  As the list is extremely short, this shouldn't be an issue, however, card lists are like fishing stories: the more time that passes, the bigger the list (or fish) gets. WHOOP!  As of 5pm, these are d-u-n...DONE!!

* Tie off threads and bind four quilts.  They're just sitting there all sad and lonely waiting for me to get off my duff and git 'er dun!  Sorry, I really love Larry the Cable Guy!

* If Himself has his way, I'll be helping clean out the storage building.  Um...NOT!!

So, what are you up to this week?  And don't tell me it's 5'6", okay!

Happy Monday, God bless bosses who grant vacation time, and happy quilting y'all!

The Albatross Takes Flight

I briefly thought of titling this post 'The SOB's Finished!' but that doesn't sound very nice.  Accurate, yes, but not nice.  Anyway, it's done, done, done!

What started out as this...

turned into this...

and finished up, thirteen months later, as this...

He nicely informed me he wouldn't be giving up the original quilt my mom made for him even though it's falling apart and she's been begging me to set it aflame just to put it out of its misery.  It's been well-loved.

I decided 'The Albatross' wasn't such a hot name for a quilt either so I opted for 'High Flight' after the poem of the same name by John G. Magee.  I love the poem and it fits with the theme since Magee was a pilot.

Here's the poem if you're curious.

HIGH FLIGHT

by John Magee

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth

And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings:

Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth

Of sun-split clouds--and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of--wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence.  Hovering there,

I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung

My eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up the long delirious, burning blue

I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace

Where never lark, or even eagle flew.

And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod

The high untrespassed sanctity of space,

Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

Happy quilting, y'all!

Cross Purposes

Starting tomorrow afternoon, you will find me practically attached to my sewing machine via umbilical cord.  No plans (except possibly a stop at a local quilt shop) and no sick kids or calls from the principal (I've already issued threats...to the kids not the principal).

Enter Himself followed closely by his sidekick, Idea.

Bad things happen when Himself and Idea team up.

There was that year I got a wet/dry shop vac and set of drill bits for Christmas.

Then there was the time the shrubbery magically disappeared from round the old homestead.  Naturally, I wasn't around to supervise.  I believe I described the results as 'like a brazilian wax gone bad'.

Now, he's taking off a few days to be with me.  A boy and all that icky testosterone as I try to be creative with fabric and thread and watch Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia?  Oh, the horrors!  It'll be my luck if there's a Barrett Jackson car auction going on.  Karma, you bitch!  Before you get all gushy and go 'awwww' at the prospect of Himself wanting to spend time with the most fabulous woman in the world (that'd be me, not Gisele), let me remind you, this is a man we're talking about here.  Wait for it...

I've about decided that not only do vacation plans require utter secrecy from the Co-Defendants (I swear they can get strep throat on command), but Himself as well.  My mistake opening my mouth.  Which brings me to the next phase of his E-veeel Plahn (sorry, going for a European accent here): apparently my help is required for two of my precious sewing days to clean out our storage building we had built back in the summer.

I use the word 'our' loosely here because the majority of the crap contained therein is his.  Women, after all, have treasures; men have crap.  I suggested, nay nagged, that we weed out the detritus that no longer suited our needs rather than storing it up for auld lang syne when, according to Himself's psychic abilities, it would be worth something.  Damn you, eBay!  I swear, the man would save navel lint if he thought it'd fetch a pretty penny.

Anyway, I had a plan, a vision.  This is, after all, what women do...we plan plot strategize.  I wait until he's left the vicinity, then scurry to my little car and stuff it full of crapola for donation and he's none the wiser.  For me, it's a place for everything and everything in its place.  Do you think I got my way? 

That's a negative, Ghost Rider!  And now, on my vacation, he wants me to help him clean that out?!  Actually, that's not quite right.  I got told I was going to help him. 

Oh, realllllly?!

Funny, but in my alternate reality the word 'vacation' implies the conspicuous absence of a boss.  Hmmm....

I know now why women tend to outlive men.  It's because men get ideas and do stupid shit...like getting between a girl and her fabric...and they wind up taking a dirt nap.  Wish him luck.

Pass the Xanax.